A Rangers woes
by John Locke
Summary: Aragorn Loses a bet, Legolas swallows something, Drunken Heir of Gondor Legolas gets naked, Aragorn tied to a tree...was an original Squishy challenge, but it grew..... Warning! Elf bashing sorta.
1. Squishy

A/N Ok this be my first LOTR fanfic. I was just recently [aka 4 days ago] sucke dinto the world of LOTR and I found this challenge today. I do not own anything LOTR so :p This is my first fic of LOTR previously stated and I hope that I do an okay job.  
  
Your challenge is to write a pure humour fic  
  
Rules:  
  
-Rating can be from G to PG-13, nothing above that.  
  
-The following lines must be in the story somewhere:  
  
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."  
  
"What is it with men and asking for directions?!!"  
  
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." "Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."  
  
-Must have Aragorn and Legolas as the main characters. May also involve Twins, Elrond and Glorfindel if you want.  
  
~A Tracker's woes~  
  
Another long day of walking. The hobbit's ever relentless beggings were getting on the whole fellowships nerves. "Please can we just stop for food! We are so hungry" Pippin squeaked, tugging on the end of Striders tunic.  
  
"No. We do not stop until sunset, and you know that. And if you keep up with that whining you will be sorry." He growled at the small hobbit who now looked scared. "Oh stop it Aragorn. He means no harm. You of all people should know that Hobbits are particularly hungry creatures."   
  
Legolas said striding up gracefully next to the man. "Well if he would just stop asking" The said man shot a glare at the small creature who joined his three other companions like himself. "I would not yell at him."   
  
"Hey, Man! I know we have seen this rock before! I had hit it with my axe and there is the mark!" A small red dwarf said sprinting the best he could over to the elf and man. "Stop walking already! We are going in a big circle!" He shouted.   
  
A loud groan came from the Hobbits. "You mean?" "Were lost!" were also heard from another man and one of the hobbits. "I thought I could work it out! See I know where we got off track, now if we turn around…" Aragorn said but was cut off. "What is it with men and asking for directions!?! If you knew we were lost, why didn't you ask someone for help!?!" Legolas almost screamed at Aragorn.   
  
The elf and men were close friends, and no one had ever heard the well tempered elf ever scream/yell.   
  
"Well excuse me pretty boy. I have pride. I can figure this out by myself."  
  
"Oh, no you wont. You are too cowardice to ask anyone for directions." The elf said defiantly. "I bet that you will not ask for directions in the next tavern we see. If you do, I will…" "You will not wash your hair for a week." The elf cringed but agreed. "Yes, for a week. And if you do not. You will have to bathe, for an entire week."  
  
They shook hands. "Now where is this tavern you speak of Legolas?" The elf took the man by the shoulders and roughly turned him around. "There. About a mile that way. Come on, lets get going. You all can stay here. We will be back shortly"   
  
The hobbits didn't protest as they dropped their things to the ground and rummaged inside of their packs for food.  
  
~Practically racing each other to the tavern, the man and elf stopped short in front of the door. The elf standing there without anything the slightest wrong, no sweat, no hair out of place and not winded he held the door open for the panting man. "After you."  
  
Aragorn sneered at the prissy elf and entered the tavern. The warm air smelled heavily of alcohol and breath. He looked carefully around the room and spotted one gentleman, who looked friendly enough. With the elf close behind he tapped the man on the shoulder.  
  
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." Aragorn was cut off by Legolas' voice a little tinged with worry.  
  
"Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."  
  
And it wasn't. Obviously the guy that Aragorn had tapped was a odd creature. Lets just say that looks can be deceiving. They ran out of the tavern faster then they had run to it. They were still running as they approached the group where they left them. Fighting a long the way.   
  
"How stupid can you get?! I mean… calling a random guy little fellow! How stupid are you men?" "Excuse me Mr. High and Mighty! How was I supposed to know that...that THING wasn't as small as he seemed to be!"  
  
Legolas snorted. "Anybody could have told you that he wasn't that small. And you call yourself a Ranger." Argorn clenched his fist raising it to strike the elf. What they didn't know that the other seven members of the fellowship were now crowding around them. "I am one of the best rangers you have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Unlike me who has the utmost horror to meet the most prissy self indulged pretty boy ever." He was about to bring his fist into the elf's chin when the wizard stepped forward.  
  
Saying some sort of enchantment and waving his staff, he had made Aragorn stop. "Now children. Will you please settle camp for the night. Seeing as no one else is going to do it for you, and we are going no further." Aragorn was about to retort but was shut up with a piercing look from Gandalf  
  
They trudged, well Aragorn did whilst Legolas almost skipped to his pack to set up camp. After dinner and a few petty spats, the Men, Hobbits Wizard and Elf all went to sleep.  
  
~  
  
Before anyone else could wake a young girl hobbit, no older than Pippin or Merry had snuck onto their camp site. Not very plump, nor very skinny, she was exactly the perfect size for a Hobbitess. Big brown eyes that matched her brown softly curled hair, gave her an overall beautiful look, well for a Hobbit anyway.   
  
She set out to clean up after the nine Men [of all species] and was startled when they all awoke at nearly the same time. "What are you doing here woman?" Gandalf said rising to his feet, staff in hand. "I-I was just wandering when I came upon your camp. It looked quite untidy so I started to clean it sir. Im not from around these parts and I got lost whilst wandering. I just wanted to help" She rambled looking down at her feet.   
  
The Hobbits all glanced from her to Gandalf. His expression changed from harsh to almost smiling. "That's quite alright Miss. We appreciate your help with cleaning up. You did quite a fair job." The hobbit gave a curtsy. "It was my pleasure Sirs."  
  
After finishing cleaning, and listening to the small talk, it was clear that the men were obviously just watching her clean. "Would you Sirs like me to cook you some breakfast? You all look dreadfully skinny." A few nods and chuckles came forth. She took it as yes and asked for the supplies that they had. Naturally the male Hobbits had them. Taking them she moved over to the fire and started to prepare the food.  
  
"Now Aragorn. About your baths. I will require for you to take one every night just after setting up camp. You have seven and I will personally make sure you do take all of them." "But that is not fair and you know it Elf boy. I was going to ask for directions…" "Oh, but you did not. I was there and I had not heard you ask for any directions." THe elf had a smirk plastered across his face.   
  
"Well…." He said angrily standing up for the first time that morning. "What in the name of?" Gimli said rather rudely out of nowhere. "Whats wrong now Dwarf?" Aragorn was NOT in a good mood. "You have a…a.. tail" He burst out laughing, clutching his sides. "WHAT?!? Gandalf! I am going to kill you!" He said clutching his bottom trying to conceal the long tail that had sprung forth from his behind. Legolas also started to laugh uncontrollably at the site when the ranger had turned around. It had looked much like a lions tail. "Now child, you will do no such thing. It will wear off, once it touches water." Gandalf said with an eerie smile playing across his slender lips.  
  
He looked strangely at the Wizard and glared at the still laughing elf. "You both will pay for this." He was cut off as the young Hobbitess came forth and shoved the plate of food in the rangers hands. "Eat before it gets cold, and eat all of it." She walked away leaving the man to stare in disbelief down at the plate. There was more food there that he had seen in ages. "How the hell am I supposed to…" "don't complain eat it!" Exclaimed Merry. "Well if you don't want it I will take it!" Pippin added shortly thereafter.  
  
He turned away from the Hobbits. And the elf snickered. When the Hobbit lass came over to the Elf offering him food he turned it down. "I do not eat food that is not Elven. But I do have a question. What is your name? You seem to not have mentioned it." The hobbit blushed. "So sorry Sirs. My name is Katie * Brombelder."   
  
"Nice to meet you Miss Katie." Legolas bowed slightly. She nodded and took the food away and Merry and Pippin squealed with delight when she gave it to them. When the fellowship was about to leave Katie spoke up for the last time. "It was great being able to do these things for you men." They all smiled gratefully at the girl. "But I have a request."  
  
They all gave her quizzical looks. "Before I leave and let you on your way, can I get a hug?" She asked timidly. The hobbits smiled and the older members chuckled softly whilst Aragorn and Legolas nodded. She beamed as she gave them each a hug.   
  
Approaching the Hobbits she gave them each a bigger warmer hug. "See you back in the Shire I hope." Stopping at the last one, Samwise. Hugging him round the middle she said loudly for all to hear, "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy." Letting go she ran off leaving the group puzzled and the aforementioned Squishy blushing deeply.  
  
"That was one strange hobbit." Boramir said laughing. "Well move out people, we have a long way to go. And I need to get rid of this bloody thing." Aragorn said looking down at the swishing tail. Turning around angrily he hit Legolas with it. The elf stumbled slightly. "Watch where you swing that thing! it's a weapon all is own."  
  
Aragorn snorting he continued, ignoring all the stares he got when his tail did an odd thing. This was one of the strangest experiences in the Fellowship that he had in a long time.   
  
~  
  
Finally reaching a creek they set up camp and Aragorn jumped in the water as soon as he could. He felt the thing almost instantly disintegrate. About to climb out of the water he was immediately pushed back in by a boot in the face. "Oh no you don't, just getting wet is not a bath Aragorn. Scrub, with this." The blonde elf tossed something at the rangers chest. "Oh and be a dear and use some soap too." THe said soap hit the raner square on the forehead.   
  
~Day 21~  
  
I cannot believe what in the world has happened the last two days. Getting lost, almost getting killed, Getting beaten by that mangy elf. That weird Hobbit Girl… even though she was a damn good cook. I will never forget the look on Young Gamgee's face. Squishy.. Wow that's just so.. Hahaha.   
  
::tears stains make the next few lines illegible::  
  
Ok, I've stopped laughing so hard that I was crying. But that Elf again I Swear…..  
  
[The writing changed]  
  
That Elf what? Is unimaginably good looking? Very very smart? Has the best hair in Middle-earth?  
  
[It look like there was a struggle for the writing utensil]  
  
No, you are an incorrigible bastard and you know it! Throwing that soap at me. I have a mark thanks to you. And that horrible tail, even though it was fun whacking that damned prissy boy with it. It was such sweet and sorrow parting. Oh well I'll get over it. If this is just the beginning of our journey, I wonder how this is all going to end…..  
  
~ Forever yours,  
  
Aragorn 


	2. Of Squeakers and Men

Part II Of Squeakers and Men  
  
~Day 27~  
  
I cannot stand this damned elf any longer. He has started singing, every freaking waking moment. I want to strangle him. He knows it annoys the shit out of me, yet he does it anyway. Ever since I have lived with Elrond, when I was little, his singing always, ALWAYS got to me. Not to mention that stupid squeaky toy thing that he keeps on squeaking. I swear on my soul, I hear that damned thing one more time…  
  
The entry ended right there when Legolas came up behind Aragorn and squeaked the toy in his ear. Standing up furious, Aragorn clenched his fist, almost shaking with anger. "You better run elf." He said through clenched teeth. Raising an eyebrow the elf stood there cockily. "Really now?" that's when Aragorn made his move. He lunged for the elf's feet. Being an Elf, Legolas was fast enough to get away leaving Aragorn to fall flat on his face.  
  
Sprinting away, Legolas rushed past the other members of the fellowship. Shortly followed by a muddy Aragorn. Looking over his shoulder periodically Legolas was still in the lead. Aragorn was madder than mad. The elf had just made him look like a fool in front of the whole fellowship, he was going to pay. Just as he was going to shout something at the elf, Legolas disappeared from view. Slowing his pace he saw something priceless.  
  
The Elven prince lying on the ground, face down. He had been looking over his shoulder once again, and tripped when his foot got stuck in a rather large hole. Aragorn started to laugh as Legolas pushed himself off of the ground. Legolas made to say 'Stop laughing you dirty old man' But all that came out of his mouth was a loud, high pitched squeak. That made Aragorn stop laughing for a moment, his lower lip trembled and he burst out laughing again.  
  
Legolas was confused, what the hell happened? Aragorn tried to compose himself, but found it hard. He managed to wheeze out, "You…swallowed…..squeaker…" He just could not stop laughing. Infuriated Legolas started [tried to] yell [squeak] at Aragorn. All the noise brought forth the other Fellowship members. Legolas immediately shut up and stood with his arms crossed over his chest and glared at Aragorn.  
  
"What is the meaning of all this noise? DO you want people to find us?" Boromir said testily. Aragorn could not talk so he just pointed a shaking finger at Legolas. "Well, what happened Legolas?" Merry asked curious. All the Hobbits were indeed very curious they were all scurrying around the Legs of the taller men. Legoals shook his head angrily.  
  
"Get on with it lad. We don't have all day." Gimli said impatiently. Legolas debated with himself silently. He opened his mouth and shut it, looking much like a fish. Sighing silently he decided that they would know eventually. He tried to say 'this' and a lower pitched squeak escaped.  
  
The fellowship looked slightly surprised, yet very amused. The hobbits were by then almost as hysterical as Aragorn and Gandalf couldn't help bet chuckle. It wasn't every day that an Elven prince swallowed a squeaker.  
  
Getting really flustered, the elf started to yell/squeak again. Sending Merry and Pippin to the ground as well as Aragorn. They could not help but laugh, the elf was very flustered indeed. Stomping his foot he got them to look at him, but no other reaction.   
  
Beyond pissed, Legolas pulled out his bow and arrow faster then they had ever seen him. He shot the arrow right between Aragorn's legs, an inch or less away from his *ahem*. This got him and the others to stop laughing pretty well. Scrambling to his feet, he spoke. "What do you expect us to do besides laugh? I mean, this is a once in a life time chance to see the prissy elf boy, squeaking because he swallowed the thing from a toy." Glaring the elf stooped to the ground drawing out letters in the dirt. They read, 'Some help would be nice!'   
  
"How do you expect us to help you?" Aragorn said trying not to laugh again. "This happened to my cousin once. It did. We held him upside down and it came out." Samwise said stepping forward. Raising an eyebrow Legolas shook his head rashly. "Do you have any suggestions? No, so we'll go with Samwise's. Anyone got any rope?" He said turning his back from the elf.  
  
Glaring daggers into the ranger's back, he walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Pulling out a long coil of rope from his pack, he handed it to him. He glanced at the small hobbit and shot him a small glare. "Ok now, to a tree….."  
  
~  
  
After tying the rope tightly around Legolas' ankles. Aragorn threw the rope over a high branch. "Ready?" The elf nodded and closed his eyes. He and Boromir pulled on the rope quickly sending Legolas into the air. Hanging upside down, bouncing slightly. Snickering under his breath Aragorn tied the rope to a root, suspending Legolas indefinitely. "How long does this take young Gamgee?" Gandalf asked the Hobbit. "Oh, it depends on how far the object is lodged sir."   
  
"Maybe if we gave it a quick jolt it will come out faster." Gimli said eyeing the rope. Legolas glared down at the dwarf, as if saying, 'don't you dare.' "Perhaps. Want to give it a shot Gimli?" Aragorn said with a cruel sparkle in his eyes. Smiling dangerously, Gimli stepped over to the rope and slammed his foot down on it forcefully, sending the elf up higher with a jolt. Taking his foot off of the rope the elf sailed back down. The quick movements did not help at al, they were more of a hindrance.   
  
The elf had started to hiccup. Rather loudly to boot. Every few seconds or so a loud squeak emerged from his mouth. He glared the best he could. "Great, now the damned elf has the hiccups. What are we going to do now?" Aragorn said pathetically. The squeaking was getting on his nerves already. Without an answer and a particularly loud hiccup, the small piece of plastic shot out of the elf's mouth and hit the ranger square in the eye. "Damn it, why must you have such good aim." Aragorn said as he covered his eye. "Because I'm an elf you stupid mortal. Now get me down!" Legolas voice was harsh and hoarse.   
  
"Will do." Gimli said brandishing his axe. "No!, not that…" Legolas was cut off as Gimli brought his axe down quickly cutting the rope. The elf fell to the ground in a heap. Jumping up the best he could without getting too dirty, but that was too late. "Now that I have been made fun of, hung upside down and dropped to the ground, I am going to go bathe."  
  
Legolas stalked off grabbing a few things from his pack, leaving the rest of the fellowship still laughing.  
  
~  
  
Okay now, back to writing. That was a very eventful, and entertaining day. Never thought I'd see the day that the young elven prince got dirty. He was so pissed, it was hilarious. Nothing could top this. Even though I almost got my precious * shot with an arrow, but its okay, it didn't. Legolas was so mad he forgot to make me bathe. Wait no…  
  
[the writing changed to the flowing script that we all know whom it belongs to]  
  
Oh, did I? I was merely just avoiding you, although it is kind of hard to see a mangy ranger anywhere near a place of bathing which I have the pride of doing every once in a while. Now go, get on with it, the sooner you go te sooner its over.  
  
[Back to the untidy scrawl of the Ranger]  
  
Get away from my book you elf. Im going, Im going.  
  
~Forever yours Aragorn.  
  
~After Aragorn had walked away, Legolas picked the book up.  
  
Okay now for my side of the story. The stupid squeaker got lodged in my throat. And I could not speak, and they had the pleasure of stringing me up and trying to shake it out of me. That did not work. I do agree with the ranger that I have exceptionally good aim. Got him right in the eye. Serves him right. Laughing at me like that. And just so you know the arrow wasn't supposed to hit him merely scare the Be-Jesus out of him. Which worked. Never saw him so frightened. Must do that again sometime…..  
  
~Peace out cub scouts, until another day, 'Forever yours' Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
*[A/N ok, sorry, HAD to put that anywho.. Whoo thanks for reading. I'e got a lot planned for this story!] 


	3. The Heir to Gondor's throne Greatest Adv...

Part III Heir of Gondor's thrones greatest adventure  
  
It was night fall and everyone was gathered around the fire, not only for warmth but also for the food, they were all happily eating in silence. After everything was polished off and the dishes cleaned, the Fellowship sat around chatting. "Im bored. There is nothing to do out here." Pippin whined mostly to Merry but Legolas had heard him.  
  
"Would anyone like to hear an amusing story?" He said eyes sparkling. Giving the elf a skeptical look, Aragorn said nothing. "Sure! There is nothing better to do, and I think Mr. Frodo will enjoy it." Samwise said speaking up. Frodo nudged him playfully. "Stop calling me Mr. Frodo."  
  
"Anyway, when our Strider here was just a wee little lad…." Legolas was immediately interrupted. "Now Legolas, I am sure they do not want to hear about my childhood. It was rather boring…" "Oh was it now? I remember it being quite amusing." "Please go on Elf. We want to hear it." Gimli said gruffly. "Which do you want to hear? When young Strider here got drunk and had many adventures? Or his first Hunting lesson?" He smiled rather evilly.  
  
"You will not tell either if you know what's good for you." Aragorn tried to sound threatening, but it did not deter the Elf's story telling. "Ok then perhaps I shall tell both…." "Nah the drunken one sounds fine for now. You can tell the other later." Merry said excited  
  
"Okay now, Listen. This was back when the young Strider here was about… Ten years old or so in human years. He was living with Elrond and the twins, when the twins decided it was about time that he had tried wine. Mind you they were at one of Elrond's high class parties. Not a very wise decision on their part, but highly amusing on mine. Anyway, they gave him way too much, about four goblets full. He was pissed before the hour was up."  
  
Legolas was enjoying this, too much. "He was indeed so drunk…."  
  
~  
  
Young Aragorn had stumbled through the crowd of elves, accidentally tripping over one of their feet and sliding a few feet, landing in an inopportune position. Just under the skirt of a particularly snobbish, yet very beautiful elf. "What is this..child" she spat rather distastefully, "doing under my dress?!" She shrieked for all to hear. "Get away! Get away!" She kicked him rather hard in the chest as she stormed off muttering about drunken filthy men.  
  
Quickly getting to his feet he smiled dumbly at all the people around him. Getting glares from some elves, he scampered away swaying slightly. He ran into , literally, Legolas. "hey there hot stuff. Wanna go hunting with me?" Waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Why, no thank you midget. Id rather not. Anyway," Legolas could smell the alcohol on his breath from a few feet back. "have you been drinking?" He asked eyebrow raised slightly. "Yeah… didn't have much though. Only a wee bit." He said swaying slightly on the spot. "Define a wee bit. How many goblets?" Legolas asked suspiciously.   
  
Aragorn counted on his hands. "One two, seven, sixteen, four…YES four! Four goblets." He said proud of his counting spells. Legolas groaned inwardly this child was going to have a serious hangover tomorrow. Four goblets is enough to make a fully grown man a bit tipsy, but a ten year old? "Who gave it to you?" Legolas asked reproachfully almost sure of the answer. "The two really pretty guys.. They looked alike.. Or maybe there was just one of them…" Aragorn looked puzzled.  
  
"The twins. Ok, there will be hell to pay for them when your Ada finds out about this. Come on you're going to bed before you get into trouble." The child looked scandalized. "Bed? But the party just started! Im not going you cant make me! You are not Ada!" He stomped his foot, which sent him off balance slightly. Legolas grabbed him by the scruff of his neck before he fell over. "That I may not be, but I am responsible for you know. I'm not going to let you get in trouble, therefore you will not enter the party once again."  
  
"No, you cant make me go!" Aragorn said pouting pitifully. "Don't make me carry you. I will. I promise you that." "No, I don't wanna go, you cant make me!" It was the start of one of the child's famous tantrums. Oh, but this was worse, he was drunk this time. His loud cries were getting on Legolas' nerves. He strode over to the child and picked him up, placing him over his shoulder. Disliking his position he tried to get down, by kicking and punching Legolas. "You know that doesn't hurt." He said as he walked to the staircase nonchalantly.   
  
Ascending the stairs, he noticed about halfway up, Aragorn tired out and stopped punching and kicking him. He stopped and turned around on the landing, seeing if anyone had followed them. Luckily no one did. He was surprised when a fist collided hard into his back. He was totally taken by surprise and was throw head first down the stairs Aragorn's feet trapped under him. He groaned as Legolas got off of him. "You ok?" Legolas said offering his hand to the boy, helping him up.  
  
"Uh, my head hurts, and its hot in here" He said fanning himself with his tunic. "Ok, whatever you say Aragorn." Legolas rubbed his eyes in exhaustion. When he took his hands away from his eyes Aragorn was not there, but his clothes were. He saw the naked backside of the child running down the hall. "Aragorn!"   
  
~  
  
Legolas stopped recounting the story. "That's it. Well all that's worth telling." Standing up outraged Gimli cried out, "That is no proper ending to a story you mangy elf!" "Please calm down Gimli. Im sure Legolas has a certain reason not to want to continue the story, and we shall respect his wishes." Gandalf said trying to calm the fellowship down. "Thank you Gandalf. I think I'll go to sleep now, will you take post for now Gandalf?" The wizard nodded as the elf bid goodnight to the rest. Walking awayto his makeshift bed, the others start to talk again. Gandalf pulled out his pipe and lit it. Sitting back in silence, watching the others.  
  
A few minutes passed before he spoke again. "I know how that story ended." He said more to himself, but Gimli had picked up on it. "You do? Go ahead then tell it. We want to hear it." The hobbits nodded eagerly, and the two men looked curious. Aragorn was drunk and never heard what happened after that because he suspected Elrond of forbidding anyone to tell it.  
  
"Ok then, after young Aragorn had run down he hall…."  
  
~  
  
Day 30  
  
What an embarrassing day! Not only for me but also for Legolas. Serves him right, telling that story of me. But at least he got what's coming to him sevenfold. When he wakes up… wow I am not going to miss this. The look on his face when he finds out that Gandalf finished that story will be priceless. I really should never get drunk again, I've been told many times that im a bad drunk…. Oh well. I should get some rest if I want to see him 'wake' up. Well you cant really call it waking up because he sleeps with his eyes open…  
  
Forever yours, do not mock me Legolas,  
  
Aragorn. 


	4. That's Not Good Enough!

~That's Not Good Enough!~  
  
"Before I tell you the rest of the story, let me set you all straight with the facts. Young Aragorn here was not ten years of age, he was no more than seven years old. Legolas must get his elf years and human years mixed up. Anyway, as we left off..."  
  
~  
  
"Aragorn! Get back here!" Legolas shouted to the retreating naked back of the boy. He sprinted after him, who knew the tike could run so fast whilst drunk? Cursing under his breath as Aragorn ran into the packed hall, followed by some surprised shouts and squeals of "How cute" amongst all the laughter. "Excuse me! Pardon me! Aragorn get your ass back here!" Legolas ran through the crowd following the child that was darting through the legs of the taller elves.  
  
Finally catching up with the lad he picked him up and almost throttled the poor boy. "You /will/ put your clothes back on, and you /will/ go to your room." He stormed off with the young boy over his shoulder. Reaching the lads room he threw him on the bed and reached his dresser, pulling out his night clothes. Throwing those on the form that was entangled in the bed clothes already. "Get dressed." He ordered hotly. The form snored loudly in response.  
  
Sighing loudly Legolas settled down for 'sleep' in the chair near Aragorns bed. The next morning he was awoken by giggles. His eyes already open, he blinked his vision clear. What he saw next made his blood run cold. His beautiful golden hair, on the floor in front of him. He jumped up screaming. "What did you do?!?" More snickers and giggles from the boy. "I gave you a hair cut. Your hair was too long." He grinned up at the elf.  
  
Legolas reached down and grabbed his hair in one hand and the front of Aragorns night shirt in the other. "I am going to show your Ada what you did to me." "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you." Aragorn said smartly. "And why shouldn't I?" "Just look down."  
  
Legolas was so distracted with his hair he did not notice that he was indeed stark naked. "How the hell!" Was about all he could say. How did the little bugger get his clothes off? "Eh, 'twas easy. Put me down. You can't go anywhere naked." Legolas eyes glinted evilly. "Oh, cant I? Just watch. Where did you put my clothes?"  
  
"Burned them." Legolas wanted to wipe that smirk off of the lads face. "Fine then, I'll just go as is." He threw the boy to the floor and strode out of the room with no shame. He attempted to walk to where he knew Elrond would be unnoticed. He heard a few gasps and giggles as he passed an open doorway. Obviously that was where Lady Gladriel, Arwen and a few of their lady friends were chatting. "Legolas. Why are you... lacking both clothing and hair? Not that I mean you don't have any hair...down there" More snickers, "but it looks like you have gotten a haircut, a rather horrid one, over night." Arwen said stopping Legolas from going any further.  
  
Leaning against the doorframe, he crossed his legs over his *ahem* so it was no longer in view. "Oh, nothing I consented to. It was all young Aragorn's fault. He was given too much wine by the Twins and obviously thought this as a well pulled joke." The ladies were trying to hold back their laughter. "Oh, go on, have a good laugh now. For I will be having the last laugh when I get Elrond into this." He bowed slightly and left the ladies to giggle at his fine bottom.  
  
Reaching Elrond finally he explained all that had happened last night, and he shoved his fistful of hair under Elrond's nose. "How to you expect Aragorn to pay me back for this? My hair, that took me centuries, that he does not have to replace, to grow. Is now ruined. And I /will not/ walk around naked until I return home." [A/N all you fan girls out there, I can see all of your disappointed faces.] "I will find a way to punish not only Aragorn but the twins for getting him drunk. Now if you will follow me, I will provide you with some clothes for your return journey." Elrond stood up and beckoned Legolas to follow him. After providing Legolas with an outfit, the two elves set out to find the three wanted 'family members' After hearing the punishments handed out to the twins and Aragorn, Legolas was steamed. He hit the wall with his fist, making the others jump. "That's not good enough!" he screamed. [a cookie for anyone who recognizes that line]  
  
~  
  
"And that is why Legolas did not want to tell the rest of the story." Gandalf said highly amused. Gimli wiped the tears of mirth from his eyes. "I can imagine the prissy elf boy with cropped hair. Good job Strider." He patted Aragorn roughly on the back. "So that's why he was mad at me for years to come. Even though his hair did grow back shortly thereafter." He shook his head laughing.  
  
Day 30  
  
Yes, I stole Aragorns journal thingy again. Of course I heard them talking about me but they will pay. More like Aragorn and Gandalf will pay for my embarrassment. They will. It was not fun exposing myself to those Elven Maidens. Quite unpleasant on my part, but I am sure they enjoyed it. Just a warning for you Aragorn, you may not expect it, but I will get you back sometime.  
  
~Good night my fair page of paper. Legolas Greenleaf 


	5. Snip Snip, Slather, Slather

The rising sun cast an eerie glow in the serene cerulean eyes that were placidly scanning the camp. None were awake, yet. effortlessly he made no noise and creeped over to the greasy hairy man who had previously embarrassed him the prior. The blonde deftly tied a silk stocking around the mans mouth so he could not scream. Smirking rather vehemently, he dragged the flailing man off into the woods, carrying a small bag upon his shoulder. He made sure to hit every hole and rock he could without damaging the mans brain further.  
  
The elf was swiftly tying his hostage to a tall tree with the rope he borrowed from Gandalf. The old wizard owed him anyway. Back to the hostage, he was almost stripped to nothing, just donning the leggings and that's about it. He was gagged efficiently, and was thrashing about as the elf took out an amber viscous liquid. "Oh you want to know what im going to do with this eh? Well lets just hope you wore skivvies to bed last night." And the elf tore down the leggings, thanking Ulmo when he saw that the man indeed was wearing underclothes, although slightly graying, but still it was better than nothing.  
  
Being as impatient as the blonde elf was he opened the jar and immediately stuck his hand in it, and cackled evilly when he saw the man stop thrashing about and go wide eyed. Without hesitation he smeared it all over the mans hairy chest, on his sides, his arms, everywhere below the neck except what was covered by the underclothes. Even the feet. "Have fun my fair friend, and even if you do scream, no one could hear you but me, we're that far into the woods. I'll come back later to check on you. Have a nice day." The elf flounced away laughing to himself loudly.  
  
The man had been able to wriggle the silk stocking out of his mouth and was breathing hard due to his newly started up thrashing again. He stopped when he heard a rustling noise a little ways off in the brush. He kept his eyes wide open and opened his mouth in terror when he saw a hoof step out into his clearing.  
  
Everyone was now wide awake and started clearing out the dishes from last night in order to make breakfast that morning. A few of the others had been curious to Striders whereabouts, "Hey Legolas, it was you're duty last night and this morning, did you see Strider go off on his own? We want to save him some breakfast" what a cute little guy that Pippin was, always thinking of others. "He went off hunting, he should be back..." Legolas was unable to finish his statement as a ear piercing extremely loud, glass shattering bellow racked through camp, coming from the neighboring forest.  
  
"That sounds like young Strider." Gandalf said standing immediately. He coulnt help himself, Legolas burst out laughing.  
  
The rest of the fellowship ran after the elf, as he ran into the forest in search of Strider/Aragorn. It was not hard to follow him due to his loud bellowings. Finally reaching him they all stood there, some blanched at the sight of their almost nude leader, but they all stood there in shock for a moment before having to hold onto something or someone for support. They were laughing their asses off.  
  
"Ara-aragorn... What in the name of Ulmo are you screeching about.... its a harmless..." Legolas could not find the strength to finish his sentence as he started to cry from laughter yet again. After laughing for a wee bit longer, the elf stood up and composed himself. "It was a harmless rabid fangirl my dear friend.... She wouldn't have hurt you in a million years. In fact shes rather cute." The girl was making obscene and perverted comments every few seconds. "Lets call her Pervita!" Aragorn was glowering at the elf. . Legolas had shooed the others away, he didnt want the Hobbits to lose their innocence, before bending down to his small package and retrieving a pair of scissors.  
  
"Now that your first part of fun is over, lets go onto phase two." The sun glinted lethally off of the metal blades. "Now, dont get hasty on me Legolas..." The man pleaded pressing himself as tight as he could up against the tree. "How about a do it yourself vasectomy? I do imagine it would be fun... on my part." The blonde open and shut the scissors a few times smiling rather psychotically at them. "Snip snip snip." The scissors were lowered down to the level with Aragorns ahem.  
  
Day 31  
  
I cannot believe the nerve of that elf. Who the hell does he think he is? I still haven't gotten all of the honey off my chest... I almost lost precious again... he was going to cut it off with a pair of old scissors! but he did tie the rope down there so I guess my reactions were unfounded... But you should never joke about that! I read the last entry by the elf.. I cannot wait to see what he has in store for Gandalf... Legolas has become rather spiteful.... but hell as long as he stays away from me....  
  
[the flowing script returned]  
  
Be forewarned man, I am not done with you.  
  
[the scrawl returned]  
  
Damn.  
  
Maybe not forever yours, but for now, Aragorn.  
  
[A/N whoo its been a while, and I know i switched names throught the thing, but if you dont like it, screw u idk] 


End file.
